Hannukah Facial*

I want to quickly make it known to the world that I’m currently living out a modern day miracle, worthy of at least notoriety in future millennia, if not full-blown minor holiday status.

My $5 container of CVS-brand facial soap looked like it was going to run out in November. It has still not done so, 6 weeks later.


I keep forgetting to throw it away every time I take a shower and remember it was empty last time, only to shrug, give it a shake for the hell of it, and get another serving of soap before it’s nothing but air again. ‘Surely it must be out for good this time’ I think, and make a mental note to throw it out. But I don’t. To paraphrase the great Dr. Hershel Pantine: “I rinse… and I repeat.” And it happens again!

Now, I don’t use that face soap every day, which slightly blunts the amazing longevity here, but come on – the ancient Jews only managed to scrape 6 extra DAYS out of basically an oil can, and that’s a full-fledged world-wide holiday in the Jewish calendar!

And I don’t mean to belittle Hannukah, I often celebrate it with my family when I’m home for winter break, and did so every year growing up. But if I learned one thing from the Old Testament – and I certainly wouldn’t give myself much more credit than one here – surely a basic substance-availability misjudgement of this magnitude and persistence must mean something. Do you have any ideas? Any sufferings this might harken an end to? Perhaps a people I might bring news unto? Let me know in the comments, I don’t want to miss this opportunity!

*Fine print: sexual manner of title acknowledged, but not intended, by author. Alternate title ‘Shower-time Menorah’ not much better.