I was watching the Tuesday, July 24th episode of The Colbert Report tonight, and caught this gem with some precision pausing and rewinding. I love the little things like this, and it makes me wonder who in their army of interns spent the time to flesh this list out.
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing, normal stuff.”
My $5 container of CVS-brand facial soap looked like it was going to run out in November. It has still not done so, 6 weeks later.
6 WEEKS LATER!
I keep forgetting to throw it away every time I take a shower and remember it was empty last time, only to shrug, give it a shake for the hell of it, and get another serving of soap before it’s nothing but air again. ‘Surely it must be out for good this time’ I think, and make a mental note to throw it out. But I don’t. To paraphrase the great Dr. Hershel Pantine: “I rinse… and I repeat.” And it happens again!
Now, I don’t use that face soap every day, which slightly blunts the amazing longevity here, but come on – the ancient Jews only managed to scrape 6 extra DAYS out of basically an oil can, and that’s a full-fledged world-wide holiday in the Jewish calendar!
And I don’t mean to belittle Hannukah, I often celebrate it with my family when I’m home for winter break, and did so every year growing up. But if I learned one thing from the Old Testament – and I certainly wouldn’t give myself much more credit than one here - surely a basic substance-availability misjudgement of this magnitude and persistence must mean something. Do you have any ideas? Any sufferings this might harken an end to? Perhaps a people I might bring news unto? Let me know in the comments, I don’t want to miss this opportunity!
*Fine print: sexual manner of title acknowledged, but not intended, by author. Alternate title ‘Shower-time Menorah’ not much better.
Non-sensical comeback gone awry at work. As opposed to the usual…
You: “YOU’RE stupid.”
It went something like this…
Me: “You feel like you’re 3.”
Wednesday night, my roommate Lindsay and I found this gem of a grocery list on the seat of the cab on the way to Smash Brothers Night at The Classy Apmt (east coast division).
I’ll forever wonder whether they dropped it before or after they got their groceries… I’ll try to transcribe some highlights, but honestly, all the fun is in figuring out what the heck they actually meant. I also wonder if this only makes no sense because I just haven’t yet found this off-brand grocery store, where everything sounds like a product you’ve heard of, but is 30% off (in terms of both price, and spelling accuracy). Here’s the list:
- Big columbo fat free vinalla vinnalla
- 2 break texture hearty
- 2 water spring water
- One promise light
- 2 toilet paper one to get
…And so much more to love in the image. I hope they found everything they were looking for.
Some of my favorites:
- The invention of the ball-point pen.
- Mount Rushmore.
I don’t advocate age-ism – he’s apparently in fine health. But I do happen to dislike McCain’s bid for president for other reasons. (He’s disturbingly nonchalant about war. He’s admitted in his own words he knows very little about the economy. His “flip-flopping” to quickly court the hard-line religious right this year, after a lifetime of finding middle-ground between parties makes me suspect any position he takes.) It’s a shame really, because I used to really respect him for being “different” from the hard-liners.
And I suppose there is an argument to be made for having more of relevant life experiences. But when the average official in congress was out of college before the Internet even began, and the nation is facing so many new technological challenges, maybe now’s not the time to elect our oldest president ever?
At the gym yesterday:
Pat: “Man, I’m getting weaker.”
Me: “I’m getting stronger!”
Paul: “I’m getting a pimple!”